I debated on sharing this. I considered keeping it to myself but slept on it and decided it might help someone else grieving feel less alone.

This essay is being written with my left thumb only. I’m typing it on my cell phone, actually. And I am writing it from my mom’s hospital bed, snuggled up next to her and holding her hand as she sleeps.

i want to hold your hand...

i want to hold your hand…

That’s the news I debated sharing: I am laying in her hospital bed.

I thought that truth might be met with a level of horror or disgust, but as my mom taught me, the only opinion of myself that matters is my own. I found it necessary to lay here. It’s not just comforting to her, but comforting for me to feel her and feel her breathing.

Yesterday at this time I was on her other side doing the same thing but crying to the point I was convulsing. Her right sleeve was soaked with tears. My right arm was slung over her to hold her left hand (the only part of her with feeling left), and despite the fact that she cannot move much anymore, she used her thumb to pat my hand, like a hand rubbing someone’s back to console them. A universal, “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

I started telling her the stuff I’ve told her a million times but need to make sure she knows for certain. “You are the best mom and best friend I could ever hope for.” Things of that nature. But then I said, “I need you. Please don’t leave me.”

With her left hand, she very slightly but obviously enough signed, “I’m sorry.”

There is nothing for her to be sorry for, and I know it is only a matter of time before she must leave me. I cannot keep her or save her, and I know that. But from her hospital bed, despite her lack of speech and movement, she was trying to console me as she has for the last 27 years of my life. The truth is that I will always need my mom.

She signed “I love you” and finger-spelled “the” which meant she was saying, “I love you the mostest”. I repeated it back to her to confirm I understood and reciprocate the feeling.

She started getting tired, confused, and frustrated by trying to sign as her hand is starting to lose strength. But she nevertheless comforted the breakdown that I had tried so hard to prevent in her presence. And then she ultimately slept forba very long time.

I have been laying in bed with her for the last two hours talking to her and holding her hand. She hasn’t woken up for a second. The hospice nurse was also unable to rouse her. But I will continue to hold her hand and be here just in case she wakes.

My mom has always been there for me, even with her minimal time left on this earth. I’d like to think I’ve returned the favor and the love. I hope she heard everything. She’s somewhere in there. And her heart is in mine forever.

In the end, that’s the consolation prize.


P.S. If this essay is ridden with typos and autocorrect disasters, my cramping left thumb apologizes. I will correct them at a better time.

16 thoughts on “consolation

  1. Loretta L. Edwards

    Mrs. Baczek and family, I am so sorry it is coming down to this. Your mom and you both have a beautiful heart. She means the world to a lot of people. She has touched a lot of people and helped so any others. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journey this past year. It really means so much to me. I only wish she knows how much she means to me. I will pray for you all during this difficult time. As I try and write the tears are coming down my face. God must have a special plan in mind for your mom. Please know that I am here for all of you. If there is anything I can do please do not hesitate to ask. I love you all!!!! Your in my thoughts and prays.


  2. Andre


    I have known you and your mom for a long time, and though we haven’t kept in touch I can assure you that your mom and you will always share an infinite love that no one else could possibly ever understand. I’m sorry that you and your family have to go through this but I’m sure your mom knows what an amazing woman you’ve become and how inspiring all of your posts are. Keep smiling and dancing because you know that’s what she wants to see you doing.



  3. Siobhan

    This brought tears to my eyes. You will always need your mom but you have be able to let her go. She put up a good fight but this is no longer a type of life to live. She has taught you how to love and live and I know she is proud of you. Soak up all the wisdom and keep all the memories for when you have children she can live on through them.

    Keep holding her hand. xo


  4. Elissa Childers

    I don’t tear up very easily but this made my eyes watery. I am so thankful for you sharing all of this with people who care and love your mom but can’t be as close to her as you are. You are a great writer, you can tell how much of your heart you put into this. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mrs. B and the rest of your family as you find peace with this.


  5. Renee waters

    Victoria…my heart is swollen with love. The love you have for your mother and she for you is just beautiful. I know this is the hardest, scariest, loneliest time for you…I know you will hear I’m sorry so many times…but what I want you to know is that your mom has done an amazing job raising a beautiful woman like yourself. I’m sure she knows that you are there with her as you know she will always be with you, in your heart!
    I’m truly sorry that she has to go through this…I wish I could take her pain away…
    Remember that you are loved by that beautiful woman you call mom….



  6. Stacia Young

    Beautifully written Victoria. Your mom is so proud of you and does want to see you continue dancing and loving life. She will always be with you forever. She has raised a very inspirational and loving lady and she does know how special you are. I know that you both have and continue to make beautiful memories of your love for each other. I agree, keep holding her hand and she does hear you! Love and prayers to you and your family.


  7. heather

    Tori, your mom knows you are with her. She can feel you, hear you and just know that you have been by her side she will feel safe. I have never been with a loved one at the moment they gained their angel wings but as a home care nurse I have been with patients. As sad as it is you are going through this awful thing just being there with her as she gains her wings is a blessing in a weird way that she isnt alone and she is feeling so loved and safe.
    I hope this makes since.

    Hugs to you and your mom, heather


  8. Adele Collard

    Your Mom hears, feels and is comforted by every word, every touch and every moment you have spent lying next to her. She can feel the warmth of you, your scent, the sound of your breathing and even your tears. Absorb her strength, for she has shown everyone what being strong is all about.


  9. Candy

    I’m crying as I write this. My heart is breaking for you. You have shown such courage and strength through your mothers illness, that I think she is okay with you having a moment when you become her baby girl, again, and cry in her arms. But, she is a mommy first and foremost, and her natural desire is to comfort you as she did so many times when you were little and hurting. Love and hugs to you, honey. You do realize that she is so very proud of you!


  10. Shelly Pearl

    Victoria, I have never met you but I feel that I have known you for quite some time just from reading your posts… I am so sorry for what you are going through, but you are a strong person with compassion and wisdom just like your mom, she is a wonderful person. I am praying for you and her and your Dad. God Bless you!


  11. Mary Ellen Ferguson

    Tori as others have said, thank you for sharing your journey with your Mom, she has done a remarkable job raising you and you should take credit as well for the wonderful daughter and woman that you are..I could only hope for a sliver of that someday from my own children .
    OI met your Mom only once but realized what a strong and brave woman she is seeing her with you and knowing what she is going through. It is a plan that God has had for her and you amd it is hard for us to sometimes understand it… thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mom in the days ahead…..take comfort that you have been the best you can be for your Mom…God Bless you both….Mary Ellen Ferguson


  12. Joe w powers

    Your dad would bring your mom to the golf course and they would rake the sand traps to perfection. My dogs would run trough those beautifully raked traps, ruining all their hard work. And how did your mom respond, with a beautiful smile, and asking me their names. Dre and dex love seeing her in the morning. She’s a very special person. Our thoughts and prayers are with you


  13. Christina Mac Arthur

    Im so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Mrs. Baczek was my gym teacher at B.P. and she was just an amazing woman, not just a gym teacher but someone you could always talk to if you needed her, she helped me through a tough time and ill always be greatful. Rest easy Mrs. Baczek, you will be greatly missed!!!



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